Giddiness for takeoff filled her chest. This was it. She was embarking on a journey that the Lord had called her to 8 months earlier when a dear friend welcomed her to the missions team with the phrase, “Welcome to Zimbabwe.” Sitting in that airplane seat was a girl who had no idea what was about to come her way. A girl who did not know how to accept love. A girl who had only an idea of freedom in her head, but no concept of what the Lord intended freedom to be. A girl who definitely did not think she was beautiful, let alone supernatural. A girl who only wanted to give, give, give; she had no idea how much her soul was broken. The cracks in her heart had grown into great divides with some pieces barely hanging on. She had covered those pieces with the thoughts of her mind. Her self sufficient attitude rendered her “strong”, “able”, “healed”, when in fact, she was not any of these, at least not yet. The Lord had all these things for her, but was she ready to seek it from Him instead of within herself?
The thing is, is that I did not even realize the depth of my brokenness. God revealed to me in such a real way that brokenness is not always apparent, often times it is harbored so deep we forget it is there. I was living in a very broken state before I left for Zim. Fun facts about myself before Zimbabwe wrecked my life, I was restless. I could not spend more than a few hours in a certain place. I was unconsciously making myself so busy so that I would never have to face the root of my fear. The root of my pride. But most importantly, the root of my untrust. Lord knows that my trust issues were deep, deep rooted. At this point in my life, my untrust had grown into a tree so tall and so wide that I did not even know how to cut it down. Alone, there was no way for me to tackle a problem that had grown into something ten times the size of myself. I was striving. Definition: striving (v.): make great efforts to achieve or obtain something. To struggle or fight vigorously. I was striving for everything I wanted. I had to finish high school / my associates degree with a 4.0. I strived to pay every one of my bills by myself at the age of 17. I strived to be able to make a resume look good. I strived for the boy I wanted. I strived for each friendship I had to look perfect. I strived to be the perfect leader within my youth group and for the girls I mentored. Let me tell you, striving is the enemy of abiding and dwelling with the Lord.
Was I abiding in the Lord? No. Did I know God? Yes, but abiding and knowing are two different concepts. Through learning this, Zim changed me. Bruce, the man that led our team while we were in Zimbabwe, was the first person in a long time that was able to see me / my soul for who I was. And the Lord was able to use this in order to speak to me. Every lie. Every fear. Every shameful moment. All the guilt. All the pain. All the rejection. Came to the light in Zim. I find it humorous that the Lord took me 8,028 miles away and put me on a 55 foot boat with 11 other people to where I had absolutely nowhere to run anymore. I found myself in many moments laughing at the Lord because leaving me with nowhere to run meant one thing. I had to face what was before me. I had to take a deep breath and surrender my fear of being known before the Lord on a daily basis. Scratch that, a minutely basis.
I think that being known is a necessary step in being able to abide with the Lord. Because before Zim, my failure is what exerted the most power in my mind. My failure drove my want for perfection. My failure was the drive behind trying to have control. Now, the Lord is on my mind more times than not. I do not associate myself with my failure because it is no longer mine. I gave it to my Father. Now, the Lord is able to put all of the pieces of my past into a picture that is still being created. You see, before Zim, those pieces of my heart were without color. Beauty could not be found in them. But the moment that I reached my hands out toward Christ in complete surrender was the moment that the Lord was able to paint the color that those things would be to me from that point on.
Freedom was found in Zim. I became a different person, the Lord was renewing the color in my eyes and the joy in my spirit. But now it was time to go home. Going home presented itself with many new obstacles to overcome. It meant waking up in an empty house rather than waking up with some of the people you cherish the most. It meant not having a leader like Bruce at your side 24/7. It meant reality hitting. It was the feeling after leaving my first college class; unprepared, overwhelmed, and down in my soul, scared. Coming home felt like entering a world that never previously existed. Truthfully, I do not know what felt more foreign, America, or the way my heart was beginning to feel once I got home. Yet, the Lord gives more freedom.
I am finally starting to feel like both worlds actually exist, I am starting to be able to apply what I learned in Zim here in America, rather than feeling completely heartbroken about being home. I am starting to lean more into what God wants for the next season of my life rather than allowing my voice to be the loudest. With that comes a lot of hardship, a lot of hard conversations. A lot of lifechange and reality striking moments are hitting me like a ton of bricks. I guess that is what happens after you live on a boat in Africa for two weeks. And I feel like that is what the world is trying to make me believe. That Zim and America are two completely different worlds. That they do not connect, that I have to appear to be the American Abby here, and that the Abby that was transformed in Zim has to stay in Africa. How the enemy is trying to get me to believe that.
Today I feel like the Lord is giving me the upper hand over that lie. His freedom that He allowed me to find in Zim does not change just because I travelled thirty-six hours back home. The Lord does not waiver. That fact does not change because my location changes. His freedom. His grace. His mercy. His love, love that abounds, does not change according to our mood or our location. In our joy and in our pain, He still covers us with these beautiful attributes of Himself. He covers every one of our pieces. The pieces we thought were no good. Our insecurities. Our pride. Our shame. Our guilt. Our fear. Our doubt. He is shaping each piece, painting it a new color. Right now, you are seeing the up close. That is good. God is shaping you through allowing you to see every excruciating detail. But one day, one day, you will see the beautiful masterpiece the Lord made out of you.
Out of my restlessness. Out of my striving. Out of my shame. Out of my fear. He is continually making a mosaic out of me.
- Abby Pullicin